The First Step Towards Overcoming Shyness
December 27th, 2008 by aaks
Learn how to talk to yourself.
There are two simple ways to accomplish this. The first is to put everything you own into liquor store bags, get a bottle of cheap wine in a paper bag, and wander up and down the street speaking to yourself aloud about microwaves eating your brain. It’s a lot easier talking to strangers when you encounter them this way; you’ll have a cool catch phrase that’s easy to customize, “Got any Change?”
We prefer the second method, which is utilizing constructive self-talk to break down your pattern of shy behaviour, this method takes place entirely in your head. You won’t even disturb the cat. Before we do this, let’s get something straight; there’s a difference between being shy, and being quiet and reserved. There’s a difference between not knowing what to say, and not thinking anything is worth saying. If you’re quiet and reserved it probably means you’re an introvert and prefer it that way. If shyness is also a problem you’ll need to work a little harder to defeat it. If shyness isn’t a problem and you follow Mark Twain’s line of thought, ‘It’s better to keep quiet and have people think you stupid, than to talk and confirm it,’ Your going to need to work more on your conversation skills.
A lot of this self-defeating mindset comes from past experiences. If you’ve ever felt embarrassed in a social situation, reacted poorly, said stupid things, had stupid things said to you, been at a loss for words, blushed uncontrollably, been nervous and uncomfortable, acted awkward or felt ridiculous and out of place… like we all have, this will reappear whenever you’re in a similar situation. In essence, you continually reinforce this negative mindset because that’s the only association your brain makes when you encounter these situations. To Quote Mark Twain again: We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. In other words, don’t let one painful experience hold you back from every other experience.
The way to overcome this thinking is to replace it, exchange self-deprecating talk with confidence building scripts, and create cool composure in the place of uncertainty and nervousness. These don’t have to be mantras or life changing monologues. Simple, down to earth, focused goals.
Here are a few examples:
Self-Defeating Thoughts ————– Confidence Building Scripts
I don’t know what to say ——————- I′m going to show interest in somebody
I don’t like meeting people—————– I′m going to meet some new friends
I′m boring—————————————-I have a lot of interests
This is going to be a drag——————-This will be interesting, or worth a laugh
Who would want to talk to me?—————I′m going to start a conversation
This is a complete waste of time————- Beats doing nothing. What do I have to lose?
I′m going to say something stupid.———-But I′ll say it with style.
Obviously this list isn’t the cure-all, end-all to all your problems and some of these answers probably seem kind of goofy. Hell, just the formatting on that list should be enough to make you laugh. Take a closer look at the self-defeating thoughts, anything sound familiar? Of course it does. These are merely from the tip of my tongue, take five minutes and identify similar thoughts you’ve had in the past and write them down. They look pretty pathetic don’t they? It’s like a little kid who won’t get on the swing-set in the playground because he’s afraid he might be scared. For every thought you identify, think of a positive spin to replace it with. It can be as simple as answering I′m boring with I′m interesting. This is an important step towards overcoming shyness.
Take it a step further and actually rehearse your positive answers. Read them over in the morning, recite them to yourself while you shower, exercise, drive to work or eat your dinner. They will become part of you very quickly, and start building a very positive self image in a matter of no time. Take it a step further and use your imagination to put you into upcoming situations, ones where you’ve experienced feelings of shyness before. Identify what has made you feel nervous in the past, and really examine where it comes from. Find the source. You’ll soon see that most of it comes from your previous lack of confidence. This new confidence will grow exponentially, when you find yourself in new situations where you may have felt nervous in the past you’ll feel it working for you. Be sure to swat away those negative niggling gnats of nothing before they land. If it’s a brand new fear, add it to your list and find an answer for next time.
Posted in Self-Esteem |
December 29th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
That’s good advice, but as you say it’s only a first step. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is best for shyness, and although it has a technical-sounding name it is very down-to-earth and practical. In fact, the advice given here would count as part of the cognitive side.
Shy people do tend to see the negative side, remember the bad things that happen, and then expect things to go badly, and these habits can be quite hard to break. Using cognitive techniques like this, together with behavioral methods in real life, can really help you build confidence and reduce shyness.
Unfortunately it takes time and effort, but then the most worthwhile gains in life usually do!