December 27th, 2008 by aaks
If you’re reading this either you’re either motivated to improve your conversation skills, or stuck in the bathroom with nothing to read. If its the latter, the back of the shampoo bottle is also quite interesting. For the sake of argument, I’ll assume you’re motivated.
You can read all the literature and try out as many programs as you want, and each one will surely have some nuggets of useful information, but until you actually put yourself in the situation where you need to use this information, it will be of little value. All your hard work and studying will slowly wither away and disappear like an atrophied muscle. Use it or lose it.
Get yourself out there and get in the game. JB of Tenacious D said it best, “Sometimes you gotta leave your zone of safety. You have to manufacture Inspirado. You gotta get out of the apartment. You’ve got to run with the wolves. You’ve got to dive into the ocean and fight with the sharks. Or, just treat yourself to a delicious hot fudge sundae. With nuts.”
A lot of the problems you face with conversations and shyness, as we mentioned earlier, revolve around the fact that you’re afraid to make a mistake. This pressure might seem to double when dealing with people you’ll see again on a regular basis. Are you nervous about saying something stupid to a person you work with, and forever associating your blunder with their face? Who isn’t?
If you want to get some practice free from this pressure, try and put yourself in a new environment. Don’t turn down that invitation to go to a party where you only know one person. Go to a party where you don’t know anybody, and while you’re there make it a point to talk to at least one person. Throw your own party, invite people you know and like, tell them to bring a friend. Its much easier to be comfortable on your home turf. Go to a strange bar by yourself, and strike up a conversation. Sit on the patio at the coffee shop. Join a club, a sports team, sign up for an activity at the community center, take a night class.
The goal here is to challenge yourself to break out of the rut. Once you’ve successfully initiated even one conversation you’ve increased your confidence a hundred-fold. You’ve broken that self-defeating fear and put the entire thing in perspective. Next time will be a lot easier, the time after that it will be a breeze.
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December 27th, 2008 by aaks
Small talk shouldn’t be inane chatter about the weather, the correct time, or one-liners that are so old that when they were in school history wasn’t even a subject yet (rim shot!). Many people mistake this verbal diarrhea as small talk, and this is why the expression is so misleading, and the reason why so many people even hate the idea of small talk.
Small talk isn’t an excuse to run your mouth when you have nothing to say. Small talk is casual conversation that avoids cryptic subjects, emotionally charged stances, arguments, or anything too heavy. A relatively pressure-free endeavor. The deeper conversation that develops might certainly lead down one of those paths, but the goal of small talk is to open a door and peer in to see if there’s a nice bonanza or a pissed off Grizzly bear waiting behind it. It’s a quick way to get to know a little about a person, make a first impression, and also give you the confidence to continue. Conversely, this isn’t about creating or reaching ‘talk’ goals. You’re not interviewing for friendships. What you’re doing is living in the moment, casually conversing, learning, and hopefully enjoying yourself in the process.
Small Talk allows two people an opportunity to very quickly learn a lot about each other. Just think of how many things you can learn about a person from a brief conversation; their name, occupation, location, the kind of car they drive, the kind of food, music or films they enjoy, what they do for fun, where they go for excitement. The list is virtually endless, and if you play your cards correctly the conversation will veer in the direction you want it to go, subjects and topics of mutual interest. In return they can also get the same information from you.
In addition to this, you’re sending the message that you’re open, willing, and ready to converse. If you’re shy, this kind of small talk is an opening of the door, a green light encouraging further conversation, especially if the person you’re speaking with is shy as well. If you’re not shy, this kind of talk is exactly the sort of ammo you need to seize the moment. You now have an arsenal of topics, interests, and opinions which you can use to continue this conversation for hours. You may also find out you have nothing in common, you dislike this person immensely, or you just find them more boring than a box of oatmeal. If that’s the case, you’ve lost nothing because all you did was spend a few moments making small talk, and you’re free to flee to a more interesting corner of the room. You might also find you have nothing at all in common, but your personalities compliment each other so perfectly you can talk about anything.
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December 27th, 2008 by aaks
Learn how to talk to yourself.
There are two simple ways to accomplish this. The first is to put everything you own into liquor store bags, get a bottle of cheap wine in a paper bag, and wander up and down the street speaking to yourself aloud about microwaves eating your brain. It’s a lot easier talking to strangers when you encounter them this way; you’ll have a cool catch phrase that’s easy to customize, “Got any Change?”
We prefer the second method, which is utilizing constructive self-talk to break down your pattern of shy behaviour, this method takes place entirely in your head. You won’t even disturb the cat. Before we do this, let’s get something straight; there’s a difference between being shy, and being quiet and reserved. There’s a difference between not knowing what to say, and not thinking anything is worth saying. If you’re quiet and reserved it probably means you’re an introvert and prefer it that way. If shyness is also a problem you’ll need to work a little harder to defeat it. If shyness isn’t a problem and you follow Mark Twain’s line of thought, ‘It’s better to keep quiet and have people think you stupid, than to talk and confirm it,’ Your going to need to work more on your conversation skills.
A lot of this self-defeating mindset comes from past experiences. If you’ve ever felt embarrassed in a social situation, reacted poorly, said stupid things, had stupid things said to you, been at a loss for words, blushed uncontrollably, been nervous and uncomfortable, acted awkward or felt ridiculous and out of place… like we all have, this will reappear whenever you’re in a similar situation. In essence, you continually reinforce this negative mindset because that’s the only association your brain makes when you encounter these situations. To Quote Mark Twain again: We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. In other words, don’t let one painful experience hold you back from every other experience.
The way to overcome this thinking is to replace it, exchange self-deprecating talk with confidence building scripts, and create cool composure in the place of uncertainty and nervousness. These don’t have to be mantras or life changing monologues. Simple, down to earth, focused goals.
Here are a few examples:
Self-Defeating Thoughts ————– Confidence Building Scripts
I don’t know what to say ——————- I’m going to show interest in somebody
I don’t like meeting people—————– I’m going to meet some new friends
I’m boring—————————————-I have a lot of interests
This is going to be a drag——————-This will be interesting, or worth a laugh
Who would want to talk to me?—————I’m going to start a conversation
This is a complete waste of time————- Beats doing nothing. What do I have to lose?
I’m going to say something stupid.———-But I’ll say it with style.
Obviously this list isn’t the cure-all, end-all to all your problems and some of these answers probably seem kind of goofy. Hell, just the formatting on that list should be enough to make you laugh. Take a closer look at the self-defeating thoughts, anything sound familiar? Of course it does. These are merely from the tip of my tongue, take five minutes and identify similar thoughts you’ve had in the past and write them down. They look pretty pathetic don’t they? It’s like a little kid who won’t get on the swing-set in the playground because he’s afraid he might be scared. For every thought you identify, think of a positive spin to replace it with. It can be as simple as answering I’m boring with I’m interesting. This is an important step towards overcoming shyness.
Take it a step further and actually rehearse your positive answers. Read them over in the morning, recite them to yourself while you shower, exercise, drive to work or eat your dinner. They will become part of you very quickly, and start building a very positive self image in a matter of no time. Take it a step further and use your imagination to put you into upcoming situations, ones where you’ve experienced feelings of shyness before. Identify what has made you feel nervous in the past, and really examine where it comes from. Find the source. You’ll soon see that most of it comes from your previous lack of confidence. This new confidence will grow exponentially, when you find yourself in new situations where you may have felt nervous in the past you’ll feel it working for you. Be sure to swat away those negative niggling gnats of nothing before they land. If it’s a brand new fear, add it to your list and find an answer for next time.
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